Sitting Shiva: A Guide for the Family Hosting It
The short answer: shiva is the first week of Jewish mourning. It begins when the family comes home from the burial and traditionally lasts seven days, counting the day of the funeral as the first, and ends on the morning of the seventh. The mourners, usually the person's parents, children, siblings and spouse, stay at home, and the community comes to them: bringing food, joining prayers, sitting with them. Practice varies a great deal between Orthodox, Conservative, Reform and secular families, and many families today sit for fewer days or only in the evenings. There is no single correct way. The best guide is your rabbi, if you have one, and what the person who died would have wanted.
This page is for the family hosting shiva: the practical decisions in the days right after the funeral. If you are planning the funeral itself, how to plan a funeral covers the order of decisions.
When Shiva Starts and Ends
Shiva starts after the burial, when the mourners return to the house. If the person was cremated, or the burial is delayed, talk to a rabbi about when to begin; customs differ.
- Seven days, counted from the funeral. The day of the burial is day one, even if only part of it is left. Shiva usually ends in the morning of day seven, often with a short walk around the block to mark the return to the world.
- Shabbat counts, but is different. The Sabbath counts as one of the seven days, but public signs of mourning are put aside. Many families go to synagogue on Shabbat and receive no shiva visitors that day.
- Major holidays can end it early. Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Passover, Shavuot and Sukkot can cut shiva short, depending on timing. A rabbi can tell you exactly how it falls this year.
Many Reform and secular families sit for three days, or hold visiting hours on only one or two evenings. That is a recognised choice, not a failure.
Who Sits Shiva
Traditionally, seven relatives are mourners: a parent, child, sibling or spouse of the person who died. They are the ones the customs apply to.
Others who loved the person, grandchildren, in-laws, partners who were not married, close friends, often help host and may observe some customs by choice. In blended families, it is usually best to say plainly who is sitting and who is helping, so nobody feels left out or pushed forward.
If the mourners live in different cities, some families sit in one house for the whole week; others sit a few days in one place and the rest at home. That is common and accepted.
Getting the House Ready
Much of this can be done by a friend or a relative who is not a mourner, while the family is at the cemetery. Ask someone you trust to take it on.
- A shiva candle. A tall candle in a glass, lit on returning from the funeral and left burning for the seven days. Funeral homes often provide one.
- Covered mirrors. Many families cover mirrors with cloth or paper. It turns attention away from appearance and toward the person who died.
- Low seats for the mourners. Low stools, cushions, or chairs with the legs shortened. Some funeral homes lend shiva chairs.
- Water by the door. A pitcher, basin and towel outside, so people coming back from the cemetery can wash their hands before entering.
- Prayer books and a space for services, if you will hold prayers at home.
- The door left unlatched. Visitors traditionally come in without knocking, so the mourners do not have to get up to answer.
Mourners often keep other customs too: wearing the torn garment or black ribbon (kriah) from the funeral, not wearing leather shoes, men not shaving. Do what is meaningful in your family and leave the rest.
Food
The first meal. Traditionally, the mourners do not prepare their own first meal after the funeral. Friends or neighbours bring it: the meal of condolence, often with round foods such as hard-boiled eggs, lentils or bagels, symbols of the cycle of life. Ask one person to organise it.
The rest of the week. Visitors bring food, sometimes far too much. A meal schedule shared by one friend avoids four lasagnas on Tuesday and nothing on Thursday. If the family keeps kosher, the organiser should say so clearly in the message to visitors, along with any allergies.
Someone who is not a mourner should be in charge of the kitchen: putting food out, clearing up, packing leftovers. The mourners should not be hosting in the usual sense. They are there to be visited.
Prayers and the Minyan
Many families hold short services at home, in the morning, the evening or both, so mourners can say the Mourner's Kaddish. In traditional practice Kaddish is said with a minyan, a quorum of ten Jewish adults (ten men in Orthodox practice).
Ask your synagogue to help gather a minyan; many congregations arrange this as a matter of course. If you are not affiliated, a local rabbi or the funeral home can often help, and some synagogues run daily services, in person or online, where you can say Kaddish. Put the service times in the shiva announcement so visitors can come for them.
Visitors and Visiting Hours
Tell people the hours. Most families now publish times, for example 2 to 4 pm and 7 to 9 pm, with service times, and say whether the house is closed on Shabbat. A shiva notice can go in the death notice, the synagogue newsletter, a family group message, or an online memorial page. How to write a death notice shows the wording.
You do not have to perform. The custom is that visitors wait for the mourner to speak first, and that mourners do not have to greet people, stand up, or entertain anyone. Tell a friend at the door that you may not get up. If a visitor stays too long, the friend can help them move on.
Visitors who are not Jewish sometimes worry about doing it wrong. A line in the notice helps: "Everyone is welcome. Come as you are; there is nothing you need to know." Most will simply follow what others do.
You will hear stories you never knew. Shiva is often the week the family learns the most about the person who died, from colleagues, old friends and neighbours. Many families keep a notebook by the door, or ask a teenager in the family to write stories down. Those notes are hard to recover later.
If You Cannot Do All of It
Work, distance and young children make a full week hard for many families. Some honest options:
- Fewer days. Three days, or the first days plus Shabbat.
- Evenings only. Visiting hours after work, with the day for rest.
- Online. Many families held shiva by video call during the pandemic, and some still offer a call alongside the house, for relatives far away.
- Shiva at one house, others at home. Mourners in other cities observe privately and join the main house by video.
If you feel guilty about shortening it, talk to a rabbi. Most are far more flexible than people expect, and the purpose of shiva is to comfort mourners, not to add a burden.
After Shiva
Mourning does not end on day seven. Traditionally, sheloshim continues through the thirtieth day, with mourners gradually returning to ordinary life; for a parent, the mourning year continues, with Kaddish said for eleven months. The headstone is often unveiled within the first year. Each year after, the yahrzeit candle is lit on the anniversary; first death anniversary ideas has more on marking it.
The week after shiva ends can feel very quiet. The visitors go home, and the stories stop arriving. The week after the funeral is about that stretch.
Quick Answers
How long do you sit shiva? Traditionally seven days, counting the funeral day as the first and ending on the morning of the seventh. Many families sit for three days or fewer.
Who sits shiva? Traditionally the parents, children, siblings and spouse of the person who died. Others often help host.
Do you sit shiva on Shabbat? Shabbat counts as a day of shiva, but public mourning is set aside, and most families do not receive visitors.
What do you bring to a shiva house? Food is the usual gift; check whether the family keeps kosher. Many people also give to a charity the person cared about.
Can you sit shiva if the person was cremated? Practice varies between movements. Ask a rabbi; many Reform and secular families do.
Shiva is the week the stories come out. GetMemorial gives your family a permanent place to keep them, along with photos and tributes from everyone who came, and everyone who could not. Start an online memorial whenever you are ready.
