Planning a Chinese Funeral in the US: Customs, the Wake and the Seven Weeks
The short answer: call a funeral home, ideally one that regularly serves Chinese families in your area, and call the eldest relatives early, because in most Chinese families they decide how things are done. A typical Chinese funeral in the US has a wake (one or more evenings of visitation with a photo, an altar, incense and flowers), a funeral service led by a Buddhist or Taoist monk, a Christian minister or simply the family, white envelopes of condolence money from guests, mourners in white, black or muted colours, then burial or cremation, and memorials counted in sevens up to the 49th day. Customs vary a great deal by region, dialect, religion and generation. Treat this as the common shape and ask the elders in your family.
There is no single "Chinese funeral." A Cantonese family from Taishan, a Fujianese family, a Taiwanese Christian family and a second-generation family from Shanghai may each do things differently, and none of them is wrong. What follows is what most of them share, and what you will be asked to decide.
The First Day
Practical steps come first, and they are the same as for anyone in the US. You need a pronouncement of death, a funeral home to collect the body, and a death certificate. Our what to do when someone dies checklist covers them.
Some things are specific to many Chinese families:
- Tell the eldest relatives first. Grandparents, the eldest son, uncles. Many families defer to them on every decision that follows.
- Ask about the date. Some families consult an almanac or a temple to choose an auspicious date for the funeral or burial. If that matters to your elders, ask before you fix anything with the funeral home.
- Cover or put away the bright things. Some families take down red decorations at home, cover mirrors, or set up a small altar with the person's photo.
- Find the right funeral home. In cities with large Chinese communities, some funeral homes are used to incense, longer wakes, monks chanting, and family members staying late. Ask directly: Do you regularly hold Chinese funerals? Can we burn incense in the chapel?
The Wake
The wake is often the heart of the whole thing. It is usually held at the funeral home, over one evening or several, with an open or closed casket.
What you will usually see:
- A framed photo at the front, often in black and white or with a black ribbon.
- An altar with incense, candles, fruit and sometimes the person's favourite food.
- Floral wreaths and stands from relatives, friends and associations, with white ribbons naming who sent them.
- The family sitting near the casket, receiving guests and bowing in return.
- Chanting by monks or nuns if the family is Buddhist (see our guide to a Buddhist funeral), or hymns and prayers if the family is Christian.
Guests usually bow three times to the photo or casket, sometimes holding incense, then greet the family. If you are planning the wake, decide how many evenings, whether there will be chanting, and who will greet guests. Our guide to wake vs viewing vs visitation explains the American terms the funeral home will use.
White Envelopes
Guests often bring condolence money in a white envelope, never red, which is for happy occasions. In Cantonese it is often called bak gam (帛金). It helps the family with the cost of the funeral.
Common customs, which vary:
- Odd amounts are often given, unlike the even amounts given at weddings.
- A family member keeps a register of who gave what, so the family can thank people and remember for the future.
- The family often gives each guest a small envelope back, with a coin and a sweet inside, to be spent or eaten on the way home, plus sometimes a red thread or a handkerchief.
If you aren't Chinese and are attending, a white envelope with a card is always welcome. Flowers or a donation are fine too. For what to write on the card, see our sympathy messages.
What People Wear
- The immediate family traditionally wear white, or black with a white or black armband. Some families use different colours or cloth to show generation: children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
- Guests wear black, white, grey or dark blue. Avoid red, and avoid bright colours and jewellery.
See what to wear to a funeral for the general rules.
The Funeral Service and the Procession
On the funeral day there is usually a final service. Speeches from family and friends, a last bow, sometimes a last chance to see the person. Then the procession leaves for the cemetery or the crematorium, often with a photo of the person carried at the front.
Things many families do:
- Burn joss paper (paper money and paper objects) at the funeral home, the graveside or at home, so the person has what they need. Ask the funeral home and the cemetery first. Many US venues restrict open flames and will tell you where and when it is allowed.
- Turn away as the casket is closed or lowered. Some families ask certain relatives not to watch.
- Toss a handful of earth or flowers into the grave.
Burial or Cremation
Older generations often strongly preferred burial. Cremation is now common, especially where burial space is expensive. This is a family decision, and often a hard one. Our guide to cremation vs burial sets out the practical differences.
If you choose burial, many families care about where the grave faces and its setting. Some consult a feng shui practitioner on choosing the plot. See buying a cemetery plot for the US side. If you choose cremation, some families want to witness it. See what happens at a cremation.
Some families want the person buried or the ashes taken back to China, Hong Kong or Taiwan. That involves consulates and airlines, and the funeral home should handle the paperwork. Start early.
After the Funeral: the Seven Weeks
Many Chinese families, Buddhist or not, count mourning in sevens:
- Every seventh day after the death, there is a small memorial at home or at the temple, with offerings and incense, up to the 49th day.
- The first seventh day (tau chat, 頭七) matters most to many families. Many believe the person's spirit may return home that night, and some families prepare a meal and go to bed early.
- The 100th day and the first anniversary are often marked too.
- Every year after that, families may visit the grave at Qingming (Tomb-Sweeping Day, early April) to clean it, bring food and flowers, and burn incense. Some also visit at the Chung Yeung festival in the autumn.
How long the immediate family stay in mourning varies. Some avoid weddings and parties, and wearing red, for 49 days, 100 days or a year. Ask your elders what your family expects.
When the Family Doesn't Agree
This is common, and it is nobody's fault. The grandparents want everything done the old way. The children are Christian. The grandchildren don't speak the dialect. It usually goes better if you:
- Ask the person who died, if you can. Was anything written down or said?
- Let the eldest decide the ritual, and let the person handling the money decide the budget.
- Combine. A Christian service with a Chinese-style wake, or a monk at the wake and a minister at the graveside. Funeral homes that serve Chinese families see this all the time.
Questions People Ask
Is it OK if we don't do all of this? Yes. Families in the US adapt all the time. What matters is that the family can live with the choices afterwards.
How much should I put in a white envelope? It depends on how close you were and on local custom. Ask someone in the community. An odd amount is the common convention.
Can we burn incense in a US funeral home? Many allow it in a chapel or at the altar. Ask before you book.
What do we do on the seventh day? Many families light incense at home, set out food the person liked, and sometimes ask a temple to chant. Ask your elders or your temple.
Many families now keep a photo, the person's name and a few lines in Chinese and English together where every relative, anywhere in the world, can find them. GetMemorial gives your family that place, and you can light a candle there on Qingming. Start an online memorial when you are ready.
