When a Loved One Is Murdered: Grief With an Investigation Attached

The short answer: when someone is killed, the family is grieving and dealing with a criminal case at the same time, and the case sets much of the pace. In the first days, ask the detective for one point of contact and ask for a victim advocate; they exist for exactly this. Expect a medical examiner's autopsy, a short delay before the body is released, and some belongings kept as evidence. Every US state has a crime victim compensation program that commonly helps with funeral costs, and you do not have to wait for an arrest to apply. You do not have to speak to reporters. Before you post anything about how they died, ask the detective. And the court case, if there is one, will likely take a long time; your grief does not have to wait for it.

This page is for the family and the people closest to them. If you are a friend trying to help, the section near the end is for you, and how to support a grieving friend has more.

The First Days

Families often learn the news from a police officer at the door, a phone call from a hospital, or, painfully, from the news or social media before anyone official reaches them. However it arrived, the days that follow tend to be crowded with strangers: detectives, a medical examiner's investigator, sometimes reporters.

A few things make those days more manageable:

• Get one name and number. Ask who the lead detective is and how they prefer to be contacted. Write down the case number. You will need it on almost every call for months.
• Ask for a victim advocate. Most police departments and prosecutors' offices have victim advocates (sometimes called victim-witness coordinators). Their job is to explain what is happening, help with paperwork, tell you about your rights, and connect you with compensation and counseling. If nobody offers one, ask.
• Choose one family contact. Investigators will need to reach the family repeatedly. It helps if one calm person takes the calls and passes information on, so that the parents or spouse are not answering every question themselves.
• Write things down. Shock makes memory unreliable. Keep a notebook of who called, what they said, and what they asked for.

If you need to talk to someone right away, the VictimConnect Resource Center helps victims of crime and their families find local services. You can call or text 1-855-484-2846, or chat online.

The Autopsy and Releasing the Body

A homicide is always reported to the medical examiner or coroner, and in practice there will be an autopsy. The family's consent is not needed, and the state laws that let relatives object on religious grounds usually make an exception for homicide investigations. If your faith has requirements, tell the office anyway; some can accommodate parts of them. The autopsy guide explains the process, how long results take, and how to request the report.

What families most often want to know:

• When can we have them back? The body is usually released to the funeral home after the autopsy, often within days, though this varies with the office and the case. Ask the medical examiner's investigator, and tell them which funeral home you have chosen.
• Can we see them? Often yes, at the funeral home. Funeral directors can prepare someone after an autopsy and after many injuries. Ask them honestly what is possible. A viewing is a choice, not an obligation.
• Their belongings. Clothing, phones and other items may be held as evidence, sometimes until a trial is over. Ask the detective for a list of what was taken and how you will get it back. If something has sentimental value, such as a ring, say so.

The Death Certificate

The death certificate will list a manner of death. For deaths caused by another person, that is usually "homicide." This is a medical classification, not a legal finding. It means the death was caused by someone else; it does not say whether that was a crime. Whether anyone is charged, and with what, is decided by the prosecutor, not the medical examiner.

If the cause is still being determined, the certificate may say "pending." That usually does not stop the funeral. Some insurers and banks will wait for the final version; tell them it is pending and ask what they need.

Paying for the Funeral

Every state runs a crime victim compensation program. Funeral and burial costs are among the things they commonly reimburse, and many states also help with grief counseling, lost income for dependents, travel, and sometimes crime scene cleanup. The limits and rules differ by state.

Things to know before you apply:

• The crime usually has to have been reported to police, and there is a deadline to apply.
• You do not have to wait for an arrest or a conviction.
• The person who paid for the funeral can often be reimbursed, even if they are not the legal next of kin.
• These programs pay last, after insurance or other sources.

The victim advocate can help you fill in the application. Cannot afford a funeral covers the other places help comes from.

If the death happened at home, the home may be treated as a crime scene for a time. When police release it, cleaning it is the family's responsibility, and it should not be you. Specialist trauma cleaning companies exist for this, and compensation programs in many states will cover part of the cost. Ask the advocate before you hire anyone.

The Media and Social Media

A homicide can become news. Reporters may call, knock, or contact you through social media. You do not owe anyone an interview.

• You can say no, or say nothing. "The family asks for privacy" is enough.
• One spokesperson helps. If you do want to speak, perhaps to make sure people know who they were and not only how they died, choose one person and one short written statement.
• Give them a photo you chose. If you do not, outlets may use whatever they find online.
• Check with the detective first. Some details about how someone died are kept back deliberately during an investigation. Posting them, even in grief, can harm the case.

This also applies to your own posts and to any memorial page you create. Write about their life. Leave the circumstances of their death out until the detective says it is safe. If the case has attracted attention, being able to keep the page private or behind an access code, and to remove comments, matters more than usual. Our guide to moderating a memorial page covers how to handle strangers and speculation.

If Someone Is Charged

Criminal cases move slowly. From arrest to trial can take a year or more, with many hearings in between, and some cases end in a plea agreement rather than a trial.

In federal cases, the Crime Victims' Rights Act gives victims rights including notice of court proceedings, the right not to be excluded from them, the right to be reasonably heard at hearings on release, plea, sentencing and parole, and the right to confer with the prosecutor. When the victim has died, family members may assume those rights. Most homicides are prosecuted in state courts, and every state has its own victims' rights laws, many of them similar. The victim advocate in the prosecutor's office can tell you which apply.

In practice this means:

• You can ask to be told about every hearing. Make sure the prosecutor's office has current contact details for whoever should receive notices.
• You can ask questions. Prosecutors cannot always tell you everything, but you can ask to meet them and ask how the case is going.
• You can usually give a victim impact statement at sentencing. It can be spoken or written. It is your chance to tell the court who they were and what their death has done. Advocates help families prepare these.
• You can sit in court, or not. Some families attend every day. Some cannot. Some send one person and share what they hear. Any of these is fine.

If the person is convicted, you can usually register to be told about parole hearings and release. Many states use a notification service called VINE for custody updates.

If Nobody Is Charged

Some cases stay open for years. That is its own kind of grief: no answer, and no ending.

• Ask the detective how often they can update you, and keep the case number and the detective's name somewhere permanent.
• Detectives change. If yours leaves, ask who now has the case.
• Cases can be reopened when new information appears. Some families keep the person's name public, with a photo and a request for information. Ask the detective whether a public appeal would help or hurt before you start one.

Money and Inheritance

Most practical matters work as they do after any death; what to do when someone dies covers them in order. Two differences are worth knowing:

• Life insurance generally still pays when someone is killed. A pending manner of death may delay it.
• Most states have a "slayer rule": a person who unlawfully killed someone cannot inherit from them or collect insurance on their life. If someone in the family or a beneficiary is a suspect, payments and the estate may be held until the case is resolved. Talk to a probate lawyer.

The Grief Itself

Grief after a homicide is often described as two griefs at once. There is the loss of the person, and there is the violence: images you did not see but cannot stop imagining, anger at someone who may have a name and a face, fear, and the feeling that the world is no longer safe.

The case also takes up room. Hearings arrive with no regard for anniversaries. A plea deal can feel like a betrayal. A conviction often does not bring the relief people expect, because the person is still gone. Families sometimes say that they could not start grieving until the trial was over, and others say they could not wait that long. Both are common.

Things that help, according to families who have been through it:

• Others who know. Parents Of Murdered Children (POMC) is a national US organization for the families and friends of those who have died by violence, not only parents. It runs support groups and chapters, offers court accompaniment, and has a program to help families oppose early release.
• A counselor who understands trauma. Ordinary grief support helps, but the violence often needs specific attention. Compensation programs in many states pay for counseling for family members.
• Remembering the life, not only the death. A homicide tends to become the story people tell. A funeral, a eulogy, photographs and stories from people who knew them are a way of insisting on the rest of it. Anger in grief has more on the anger, which is often enormous and entirely understandable.

If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or someone else, call or text 988 in the US. If anyone is in danger, call 911.

If You Are a Friend

• Do not ask for details of how they died. If the family wants to tell you, they will.
• Do not speculate in public about the case, including in comments under news stories or on the family's posts.
• Offer one specific, practical thing: answering the door, driving to the courthouse, sitting in the gallery with them, feeding the dog on hearing days.
• Keep showing up after the funeral. For these families, the hardest days often come months later, in a courtroom.
• Say their name, and talk about who they were.

Quick Answers

What should a family do after a murder? Get the lead detective's name and the case number, ask for a victim advocate, choose one family member to take calls, and apply for crime victim compensation to help with the funeral. Ask the detective before talking to the media or posting details online.

Who pays for a funeral when someone is murdered? The family arranges it, but every state's crime victim compensation program commonly reimburses funeral and burial costs, up to a limit. You do not need to wait for an arrest.

Does "homicide" on a death certificate mean murder? No. It is a medical classification meaning the death was caused by another person. Whether it was a crime is decided by prosecutors and courts.

Can the family speak in court? Usually yes, most often through a victim impact statement at sentencing. Victims' rights laws also let families be notified of hearings and attend them.

How long does a murder trial take? It varies widely. A year or more from arrest to trial is common, and some cases end in a plea agreement instead.

This page describes general US practice and is not legal advice. Victims' rights and compensation rules differ by state.

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