Choosing Pallbearers: Who to Ask, How Many, and What They Do
The short answer: most funerals use six pallbearers, sometimes eight for a heavy casket or a long walk. Choose people who were close to the person who died and who are physically able to lift and walk steadily: grandsons and granddaughters, nephews, close friends, teammates, colleagues. Ask each one yourself, by phone or in person, a few days before the service. If someone matters but cannot carry, make them an honorary pallbearer who walks alongside. And if you cannot find enough people, the funeral home can supply staff or use a wheeled carriage. Nobody at the service will think less of the family for it.
This is one of a dozen small decisions in the days before a funeral. If you are still at the start of the list, how to plan a funeral walks through the whole thing in order.
What Pallbearers Actually Do
The job is shorter than most people expect. On the day, pallbearers usually:
- Carry the casket into the service, or walk beside it if it is already in place
- Carry it out at the end, to the hearse, during the closing music (the recessional)
- Carry it from the hearse to the grave at the cemetery, if there is a burial
In between, they sit together, usually in a reserved row near the front. The funeral director tells them exactly where to stand, which handle to hold and when to move. Pallbearers do not need to have done it before. Most haven't.
If the body is being cremated after the service, the carry usually ends at the hearse. If the casket stays at the front until everyone has left, some families skip the carry entirely and ask the pallbearers to walk behind it.
Who to Ask
Start with who the person who died would have wanted near them, then check who can physically do it. In practice families often choose from:
- Grandchildren and adult nephews or nieces. Often the most natural choice. It gives the younger generation a role on a day when they usually feel useless.
- Close friends. The friend of fifty years, the fishing partner, the neighbor who drove them to every appointment.
- People from one part of their life. Some families choose six people from the same team, choir, union or regiment. It says something about who the person was.
- Sons and daughters. Some children want to carry their parent. Others want to sit with the rest of the family and hold someone's hand. Both are fine, and it is worth asking rather than assuming.
Women can be pallbearers. Tradition used to say otherwise in many places. Most funeral homes and churches today do not. If you are unsure about a particular church or faith tradition, ask the clergy before you ask the people.
There is one more consideration that rarely gets said out loud: height. Six people of very different heights make the casket tilt, and the funeral director will arrange them so it stays level. Do not leave someone out because of it. Just mention it when you give the director the names.
How Many Pallbearers You Need
Six is the usual number, three on each side. Eight is common when the casket is heavy, the walk is long, or there are steps. Fewer than six can work with a wheeled carriage (often called a church truck), which takes the weight while the pallbearers guide it.
Ask the funeral home how many handles the casket has and whether there are stairs at the church or a long walk at the cemetery. They have done this hundreds of times and will tell you honestly what is safe.
Pick one or two extra names as backups. Someone will be ill, or stuck on a delayed flight, and you do not want to be looking for a stranger in the parking lot.
Honorary Pallbearers
An honorary pallbearer walks with the casket, or ahead of it, but does not carry. Families use this role for:
- Older friends or siblings who cannot lift any more
- People in wheelchairs or with injuries
- More people than there are handles: a whole team, a whole office, all the grandchildren
- Anyone who would be hurt to be left out
Honorary pallbearers usually sit with the pallbearers and are named in the order of service. It is a real honor, not a consolation prize, and you can say so when you ask.
How to Ask
Ask in person or on the phone, not by group text. A short, plain request works:
"We're planning Dad's funeral for Saturday at eleven. He thought the world of you, and we'd be honored if you would be one of his pallbearers. It's fine to say no if you're not up to it."
Give everyone a real way out. Some people cannot face it, some have bad backs they don't want to discuss, and a reluctant yes is worse for everyone than a no. If they decline, offer the honorary role.
Once you have your list, write down for each person:
- Their full name, the way it should appear in the order of service
- A phone number for the day
- Whether they are carrying or honorary
Give the list to the funeral director. From there, it's mostly the director's job.
What to Tell Pallbearers Before the Day
Send each pallbearer a short message with:
- Where and when to arrive. Usually at least 30 minutes before the service, so the funeral director can walk them through it.
- What to wear. Usually dark suits or dark smart clothes, matching if possible. Some families ask for something that reflects the person who died, such as a team scarf or tie. What to wear to a funeral covers the basics. Funeral homes sometimes provide gloves.
- Whether there is a burial, so they know to drive to the cemetery and can plan their day.
- Whether they are invited to the reception afterwards (they should be).
Shoes matter more than people think. Ask them to wear flat shoes with grip, especially if the cemetery is wet grass.
On the Day
The funeral director runs the carry. Before the service they gather the pallbearers, show them how to lift with their legs, which hand to use and the pace to walk. During the service, pallbearers can sit and be mourners like everyone else. At the end, the director will signal them to stand.
If someone is struggling, they should say so, quietly, before the lift. Directors would much rather swap someone out than have a casket dropped. A staff member can step in without anyone noticing.
At the graveside, the pallbearers set the casket on the frame over the grave and step back. Some families invite them to place a flower or their gloves on the casket before they leave.
Military, Faith and Other Traditions
A few traditions handle pallbearers differently, so check before you ask anyone:
- Military funerals. If the person who died served, the funeral director can request military honors, and local veterans' groups such as the American Legion or the VFW often provide pallbearers alongside the uniformed detail. Military funeral honors explains what is provided and how to ask. Tell the director early if you also want family to carry, so the two groups can be planned together.
- Green burials. In a natural cemetery, the body is often carried in a shroud or a simple casket on a board, and families sometimes lower it themselves. Planning a green burial has more.
- Faith traditions. Some communities have specific customs about who carries, or members of the congregation carry in turns. Ask your clergy.
Afterwards: Say Thank You
Pallbearers carried something heavy, in more than one sense. A short handwritten note in the weeks afterwards means a lot. Funeral thank-you notes has wording you can borrow, including a line for pallbearers.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can I ask someone to be a pallbearer by text? You can if that is the only way to reach them, but a phone call is better. It gives them a chance to say no comfortably, and gives you a chance to hear how they are doing.
Is it rude to say no to being a pallbearer? No. People decline for health reasons, grief or fear of breaking down. Offering to be an honorary pallbearer, or helping in another way, is a kind response.
Do pallbearers have to be family? No. Many pallbearers are friends, colleagues or neighbors.
What if we don't have anyone to carry the casket? Tell the funeral home. They can provide staff pallbearers or use a wheeled carriage. Small funerals do this often.
The people who carried them are part of the story too. GetMemorial gives your family one place to keep photos, memories and tributes from everyone who was there. Start an online memorial whenever you are ready.
