Visiting a Grave: What to Bring, What to Leave, and What to Do There

The short answer: there is no right way to visit a grave. Most people bring fresh flowers, spend a few minutes tidying the headstone, and sit or stand there for as long as feels right. Some talk out loud, some read something, some say nothing. Before you go, check the cemetery's opening hours and its rules on what you can leave. Many cemeteries remove decorations on a schedule, and some don't allow glass, plantings or anything taller than the headstone.

The first visit after the funeral is often the hardest. People worry about doing it wrong: what to bring, how long to stay, whether it is strange to talk to someone who is not there. It isn't. This guide covers the practical parts so the visit itself can be whatever you need.

Before You Go

Find the exact location. Cemeteries can be large, and graves without a headstone yet are hard to find. Ask the cemetery office for the section, row and plot number, and a map. Write them down; you will use them every time. If you're looking for an older family grave, online grave registries can help. Find a Grave alternatives compares them.

Check the opening hours. Many cemeteries lock their gates at dusk, and some close earlier in winter. The office may keep shorter hours than the grounds.

Ask for the decoration rules. Most cemeteries post them at the entrance or on their website. If not, call the office. You want to know:

• Whether fresh-cut and artificial flowers are allowed, and in which months
• Whether vases must be the cemetery's own or fixed to the headstone
• Whether glass, candles, solar lights, flags, toys or photos are allowed
• When the grounds staff clear decorations, and what happens to them

Rules really do vary. As one example, national cemeteries run by the Department of Veterans Affairs set rules cemetery by cemetery. Fort McClellan National Cemetery, for instance, allows artificial flowers from October 1 to April 1, and other national cemeteries set different windows. At Fort Sam Houston National Cemetery, items that aren't allowed are taken to a central area and held for a month before they are disposed of. Private and church cemeteries set their own rules.

If the headstone isn't up yet. It can take months for a headstone to be made and placed (see buying a headstone). Until then there may be a temporary marker from the funeral home. Graves often settle in the first months, so the ground may look uneven. That is normal.

What to Bring

• Flowers. Fresh-cut flowers are allowed almost everywhere. A bunch that fits the cemetery's vase, or flowers you can lay flat, are safest.
• Water and a cloth. For a quick wipe of the headstone and to fill the vase.
• Something to sit on if you plan to stay. A folding stool or a blanket.
• Weather things. Cemeteries are open and exposed. A coat, an umbrella, sunscreen, comfortable shoes for wet grass.
• Anything you want to read or say. A letter, a poem, a card on a birthday or anniversary.
• Tissues. Even on visits when you don't expect to need them.

What to Leave

Flowers are the most common. Remove dead ones on your next visit, or expect the grounds staff to clear them.

Small stones are a Jewish custom. A visitor places a small stone on the headstone to show someone has come. Unlike flowers, stones do not wither. They are left especially at the unveiling and on later visits. People of other backgrounds sometimes leave a stone too.

Coins are often left on veterans' headstones. You will often read that a penny means you visited, a nickel that you trained with them, a dime that you served with them, and a quarter that you were there when they died. That is a widely repeated tradition, not an official military rule, and its history is uncertain. At many cemeteries the coins are collected by staff and used for upkeep.

Personal things such as a photo, a small toy on a child's grave, or a favourite drink are common, but these are the items cemeteries most often remove. If it matters to you, take it home again at the end of the visit, or ask the office what they allow.

What not to leave: glass that can break when the grass is cut, food that attracts animals, anything staked into the ground without permission, and plants you put in the soil yourself. Most cemeteries do not allow you to plant on a grave without permission.

Looking After the Headstone

A gentle clean once or twice a year is enough. Most stone suppliers and cemeteries recommend:

• Clean water and a soft brush or cloth
• No bleach, household cleaners, wire brushes or pressure washers
• Rinse well, and let lichen go if it won't come off easily rather than scraping it

If the stone is old, fragile, leaning or cracked, don't clean it yourself. Tell the cemetery office. Damage to the headstone is often the family's responsibility, but the cemetery can tell you who to contact.

While You Are There

There's no script. Some things people find helpful:

Talk to them. Out loud or in your head. Tell them what has happened since your last visit. Many people do this and few talk about it. It is one of the most ordinary things people do at a grave.

Read something. A letter to them you wrote at home, a poem, a passage they liked.

Bring someone else's message. A relative who lives too far away can send words for you to read out.

Stay as long as you need. Five minutes is fine. So is an hour.

Be considerate of others. Walk on the paths where you can rather than across other graves, keep your voice down near a funeral that is taking place, and don't touch other people's decorations.

Visiting With Children

Children usually handle a cemetery better than adults expect, especially if they know what to expect:

• Explain beforehand where you are going and what they will see.
• Give them a job: carrying the flowers, filling the vase, choosing a stone to leave.
• Let them leave something they made, such as a drawing (take it home again if it might blow away).
• Keep the first visit short.

If a child doesn't want to go, that's all right. They can send a message with you.

Visits on Special Days

Many families visit on the anniversary of the death, birthdays, holidays and Memorial Day. These can be the busiest days at a cemetery. If the first anniversary is approaching, a family visit to the grave followed by a meal is one of the simplest ways to mark it.

You also don't need an occasion. Some people visit every week for a while and then less often. That doesn't mean they care less. People need different things at different times.

When You Can't Visit

Distance, health, or a grave in another country can make visits rare or impossible. Some families ask a friend nearby to visit and send a photo, or arrange with a florist near the cemetery to deliver flowers on certain dates. Some keep a place at home with a photo and a candle.

Others keep an online memorial alongside the grave, so the whole family can add photos and messages from wherever they live.

Common Questions

How often should you visit a grave? As often as you want. There is no rule, and visiting less often is not a sign of forgetting.

Is it disrespectful to stand on a grave? Most people try not to, out of courtesy. In a crowded cemetery it's sometimes unavoidable; step carefully and don't worry.

Can I take flowers from a grave home? Only your own. If you want to keep flowers from the funeral, take them before the cemetery clears them.

Why are there stones on a headstone? Usually a Jewish custom: each stone shows that someone visited and remembered.

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A grave is in one place; the people who loved them are often everywhere. GetMemorial gives your family a place to share photos and memories wherever they live. Start an online memorial whenever you are ready.